Prayer Journal - Change

When I was a child, I’d look forward to the start of fall.  Fall meant the start of school.  Who didn’t want to see their friends, and I loved school!  Fall meant walking home from school, crunching the leaves under my feet.  Fall meant dark mornings when we went to Mass.  Fall meant comfort foods that were too hot to cook in the blistering New Mexico summers.  Fall meant the smell of green chiles roasting in the kitchens.  Fall meant wearing clothes to school that were just too hot, but your summer clothes had been put away, so you did anyway.  Fall meant homework and reading.  Fall meant praying the family rosary after supper when it was dark outside.  Fall meant already starting to look forward to family and Thanksgiving. Fall meant looking forward to Christmas after Thanksgiving.  Fall meant coming out of the wonderful, lazy rut called summer.  Fall meant movement and silence when the birds began to migrate even farther south.  Fall meant the lizards would hibernate.  Fall meant coats and sweaters.  Fall meant the state fair.  Fall meant my birthday!

Sweet Jesus, I remember those days of childhood.  I saw the seasons through the eyes of a child.  I saw You through the eyes of a child.  I saw You as a God who loved me beyond measure.  I saw You as a God of great love for all of us. I tried to be good, not just because of Santa, I really wanted You to know how much I loved You!  


Now, I am a retired teacher, and fall means that I don’t have to go back to school.  Fall means that I need to rake leaves.  Fall means that here in the Midwest, I no longer roast green chiles, but, that’s okay, since my stomach does hurt a bit from the bite of the chiles.  Fall still means dark mornings when I go to Mass.  Fall means trying to figure out which clothes to wear, or wondering if I need boots so that if I hit a small patch of ice from an unexpected cold, freezing rain, I won’t fall.  Fall means finding clothes that are warm enough to keep my hands warm.  Fall means wondering if the kids will be able to make it home for the holidays.  Fall means winter is near.  Fall means that I don’t hear the sounds of birds singing in the mornings.  Fall means praying the Rosary in the silence of my living room.  Fall means I don’t have to go to the State Fair.  Fall means my birthday!

Sweet Jesus, now, I’m getting old.  I’ve seen many seasons in my life.  So much has changed.  You’ve given me many trials.  Loving You has been a challenge when I walked a rocky road.  Believing that You loved me has been a challenge.  My hands get cold when fall starts to come.  I miss my husband and children.  Life has not been easy. I wish I could see life as I did when I was 7.  I miss that part of me.  Where did that little girl go?

When in prayer, it is sometimes necessary to wait and listen to hear God speak to our hearts.  In silence I wait. 

My beloved Child, yes, it’s true you have changed.  It’s also true that you have faced many challenges in your life and that your heart has ached because of these crosses.  In many of these difficult times, you turned to Me and asked for My help which I rendered to you with great love.  There were other times when you felt alone in your journey, but what you didn’t know is that I walked beside you holding your hand.  Even when you turned your back on Me, I was there, ready to welcome you back into My loving arms.  Where is that child who loved Me without question?  Where is that child who ran gratefully into My arms?  That child has grown up.  That child has become a woman.   

Yet, it is still possible to love Me without question.  It is still possible to run into my arms where I can hold you in my loving embrace.  You must let go of the past.  You must forgive those who have hurt you.  You must trust that in spite of the trials of life, I know what is best for you.  I AM your God.  I love you.  Seek My Love.  Ask for the grace of Love.  Of all the virtues, love is the greatest.  Through love, you will find Me. 

Seek Me now through prayer.  Open your heart to healing.  I wish to heal you, but you must step aside and let me be God. 

My beloved child, I AM with you.  I will not turn my back on you.  I will hold you up when the trials of life beat you down.  Trust that I love you.  Turn your heart to Me.  I AM waiting.