According to the Mirriam Webster Dictionary,
Fear is:
: "to be afraid of (something or someone)
: to expect or worry about (something bad or unpleasant)
: to be afraid and worried."
Fear is the antithesis trust.
If I hadn't been forced to function today,
I would have sat down at Mass and done
nothing.
I was terrified.
I was actually shaking.
My hands were white,
Fear overwhelmed me.
Why would anyone be so full of fear in this encounter with our God?
I don't know. I can't explain it, but I can only say that I did not trust.
It's been over 3 months since I cantored at Mass the last time.
My daughter has been seriously ill this summer.
I have been her caretaker.
Since she lives in another city, I have not been able to participate in the ministries at Church.
Cantoring has been one of these ministries.
I'm not the strongest cantor at Church, but I will do.
I practiced the materials for the last 5 days.
I had trouble with a couple of pieces, but I thought they would work out.
When I got to church for rehearsal, I found out that the organist I was expecting wasn't there.
She had a sub.
I was nervous enough.
The organist is one man who, for whatever reason, intimidates me.
He's never been unkind.
I don't know why he intimidates me, but he does.
That didn't help my nervousness.
It only got worse.
I had trouble hitting the high notes.
Things only went from bad to worse.
I wanted to sit and cry after Mass.
I was so ashamed.
I don't know the problem.
I just know that I was in a state of great anxiety and panic.
I prayed for help, but there was none.
I am still trying to sort this out.
Fear does not equal trust in God.
What I know:
I have never experienced such debilitating fear.
Ironically the psalm was Psalm 93:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
for his name’s sake.
He leads me in right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff—
they comfort me.
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff—
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.
God made me aware that I need to trust HIM completely.
I didn't Trust today.
It's time to stop focusing on this.
The collective memory of a crowd is short.
I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.
Lord,
I come to you in awe of Your greatness.
I thank You for all that You have done and given me.
I praise You!
I adore You!
Lord, I come to do Your Will.
I give You my fears and anxieties.
I give You All that I am and will be.
Lord,
I seek to do Your Will.
Help me to trust You, especially in times of fear.
I want to trust.
I need to trust.
Lord, I am Yours.
Help me.
Thank You!
